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Somebody Else’s Man
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Confession: I have a thing for your man. Well not yours necessarily, but someone’s man. I don’t know what it is or when this started, but I’m realizing in my old-ish age that I have a real fascination with men who are spoken for. As a matter of fact, know what I’m probably doing while [...]
Confession: I have a thing for your man. Well not yours necessarily, but someone’s man. I don’t know what it is or when this started, but I’m realizing in my old-ish age that I have a real fascination with men who are spoken for.
As a matter of fact, know what I’m probably doing while you’re reading this? Having some kind of nearly-inappropriate conversation with someone’s man. At the time that I wrote this, there are no fewer than 6 boo’d up men that I am in regular contact with. And while my conversations with these men are largely harmless, I do have to wonder what it says about me that I have such a fondness for taken men. Not that I’m a cheater or a home-wrecker, nothing of the sort. I’ve never knowingly been the other woman or tried to steal someone’s man although I am tempted to now that my lover NC-17 has provided me with this brilliant how-to guide.
Most of my interaction with my stable of spoken-for men is virtual and therefore largely harmless. There’s rarely any innuendo and no one is confessing any secret feelings. The vast majority of the time, these conversations are 90% shooting the shit and 10% flirting. But still, their frequency – and the fact that they’re likely kept secret from the men’s significant others – adds an illicit nature to them that I find disconcerting. But also thrilling.
I don’t know what it is about me that is so drawn to other people’s men. I don’t know why a conversation about music with a man with a girlfriend is so much more exciting than the exact conversation would be with one of my homeboys. I don’t know why a compliment from someone’s husband carries so much more weight than the very same compliment from a random. But I know that it is and it does.
To a lot of people, my fondness for taken men is probably indicative of some deep psychological issue. Some people would probably say I have low self-esteem and don’t think I’m worthy of a man of my own. Other people would probably say it’s a control issue, or a way to avoid really getting close to anyone. And while it’s possible that some or all of that is true, I think the real explanation is a lot more simple than that. I’m just a habitual line-stepper, to quote one of my favourite people.
I like to push boundaries. I like knowing that I am so alluring that a man is willing to jeopardize his happy home to be around me. I like to see how far off the path I can inspire someone to go.
In my head though, there is a clear line in my head that I am not willing to cross. As much as I shun marriage and monogamy in my own life, I respect its constraints. And I’m not about to invite bad karma onto my head by knowingly and willingly entering a relationship with someone’s man. But the thing is though that my restraint is really only as good as that of the taken man with whom I’m flirting. And so far I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never been pushed to take that second step over the line. I really don’t know what I would do if any of them ever really tried.
But as long as I’m not boning these men, am I doing anything wrong? If he’s not telling me the nasty things he wants to do to me, is he violating the terms of his relationship? My barometer of appropriateness has always been to imagine what would happen if I were this man’s woman overhearing our conversation. If I think I would be okay with it, I give myself a green light. If not…well to be honest, if not I still give myself a green light, I just know that it’s a green light into the land of inappropriate behaviour.
What do you guys think? Is it okay for a single woman to have frequent contact with a man in a relationship if they are not friends or relatives? Am I really crossing lines or am I worrying too much? What are your standards of behaviour with spoken-for wo/men? Speak on it in the comments.