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It’s not my pride and joy or anything, but about four years ago, I was in love with a guy who swept me off my feet, girlfriend be damned. I flew across the country more than once under false pretenses to see him. He shipped me care packages. We talked, texted, emailed and G-chatted nearly every minute of the 8 months we were “together.” And breaking up with him has been more real for me than any other relationship I’ve had.

It was beautiful, crushing, thrilling, gut-wrenching and romantic as hell all at once. I’m not proud, but I don’t regret it either. Sure, there were moments I did, but there were also moments of passion, moments of ultimatums and moments of genuine intimacy. And now that the dust has more than settled, I feel, well, I feel lucky. Lucky enough to have been loved. Lucky enough to know he was not “the one” for me. Lucky enough to have the strength to pull my heart and head out of my own ass.

Three years and plenty of miles have passed since our very, very tumultuous (and, frankly, obvious) ending, and I am a better person for the things I learned about life, love and humanity from being the other woman.

Today also happens to be his birthday, so it’s a pretty fitting retrospective.

1) Love does not always conquer all.

People tell me often that if he really loved me, he wouldnt treat me the way he did. It’s a rational thought, and at the time of our parting it was a helpful tool, but deep down I know that he did really love me. He loved me, but it terrified him, because pursuing those feelings traditionally meant that his whole life was going to change. And if there’s one thing I learned about him in our time together, it’s that he doesn’t do change well. He had a full life on the East coast. A booming career, a long-term girlfriend, family responsibilities. To put it simply, he was not emotionally equipped to handle the ramifications of choosing me. (and that’s not an excuse, it’s more or less an insult.) He loved me as much as he could physically and mentally process. But, in our case, it wasn’t enough to get us to a happily ever after. Our love wasn’t meant to last, and it’s liberating to re-frame heartbreak through that lens.

2. You cannot control who you love.

It’s not like I wanted to be the other woman. I was crushed when I learned he had a girlfriend. But he pursued me anyway. And it was intoxicating. At the time, I battled myself constantly in attempt to repress my feelings. And it sucked. Feelings are not rational (something I struggle with regularly anyway) and, just like I told my friends, when you feel it, you can’t help but feel it. I took a bit of a “lean into the skid” approach to my feelings, even though it was wrong. I dove in head first, based on the logic that if I couldn’t fight it, I might as well try to get to the other side of the pool as fast as I can. And really, I don’t think it ended up being wrong for me. I’m not a saint, but I definitely don’t take the blame for the wrongdoings our relationship meant.

3. Intimacy is not just about sex.

With a 3000 mile landmass between us, I very quickly discovered that intimacy is so much more about baring your soul than baring your body. In fact, I’d felt more intimate with him before we’d ever had sex than in any of my past relationships. Because of the distance, we spent our time talking. Conversation was incredibly easy and engaging. It was easy to open up to him. And him to me. By the time we had sex, we were already so connected. The commonplace definition of cheating (i.e. hooking up with someone else) really upsets me now, knowing that he and I were so intimate even when there was no sex. He carried on a whole separate relationship with me, and even if we never did have sex, that would still be the case, and it would absolutely be cheating.

4. People don’t change until they are ready.

It’s the same rational they use for drug addicts – they won’t have a chance in hell of changing until they are really ready to. It’s still going to be hard, but deep down, you really have to want to change. I’ve learned that it’s a pretty universal truth. I wasn’t ready to quit him until I hit emotional rock bottom; the wall at the other side of the pool, if you will. Only then, after numerous attempts, I was successfully able to break up with him. It didn’t matter how many times my friends gave me sound advice, there was nothing I could do until I hit that wall. And I knew it had to be me, because honestly, I could understand how there was no way he would hit that point. He was in the position of having his cake and eating it too, and didn’t have the emotional capacity to see past that selfishness. He was never going to be ready to change, because he didn’t want to be.

5. Friends who will give it to you straight but still console you are a goldmine.

I have fantastic friends. They heard my tale. Told me I was an idiot, and still stuck by my side without a single “I told you so.” They knew that I heard them but that I wasn’t ready to follow through, and they respected that. They talked through the guilt of being with someone else’s guy without judgement. Ok, a little judgement, but they got it. They know me, they know I wasn’t trying to hurt this other girl, they know I was trying just to keep myself afloat, and they know I’m still not perfect. They helped me through this and I am so lucky to have them. Since this experience, I continually strive to be this type of friend, and I think I’m succeeding quite well. Because, because of him, I just get it.

6. I am incredibly strong, brave and resilient.

I was strong enough to fight for something I wanted, and subsequently strong enough to know when to give up the fight. I had the courage to test the waters, even though it was “wrong,” and I had the strength to cut him out of my life when I figured out how wrong he really was. It takes bravery, self-awareness and determination to put yourself first, fight for what you want, and realize it’s wrong all at the same time. It was a rocky road while I was navigating it, but looking back I’m quite satisfied with everything, and that’s a good feeling. I deserve something great, and after him, I’m confident there’s no strife I cannot weather. What a great lesson to learn.

7. They never dump their (lame) girlfriends.

I knew from the very beginning that he was not going to break up with her for me. I wished it, I wanted it and eventually I gave him an ultimatum, but deep down, I always knew he would never do it. To this day, he still hasn’t left her. But he has’t committed either. I’ll leave it at this: a cheater likes a home base.