relationships.milaulas.com
Commentary on “The Female Condition”
1. Like many men, I was raised (by men and women who both didn’t understand women) with the idea that women were inscrutable. I don’t believe that anymore. Every woman is different and there’s no accounting for taste, but generally once I learn a woman’s verbal and nonverbal expressive style, and run enough comfort game to get her to open up about herself, it’s not hard to figure out what’s going on in her head.
A large reason guys find women difficult to understand is because they are applying the data they observe into false models, and instead of updating the models to reflect reality, we’ve been told to give up and presume it’s all random. I guess I choose to respect a woman enough to discern her model rather than stuffing her into some stereotyped template.
2. Deti waxes eloquently on the anti-slut defense and the rationalization hamster, both of which work in tandem to allow a woman to present a congruent and ennobled image to the public. These are prime reasons that a woman’s communication is so subtextual and indirect.
3. It is sad, but true, that many women don’t have the first clue what they want. They’ve been following what other people want them to think and say, never being honest with themselves.
Tip: one of the best things a young woman can do for her personal life is to exercise some discernment about what she’s really attracted to. (By using what and not who I mean to say traits, not guys.)
Now I am not saying “go bang that biker because you’ve discovered he’s what turns you on.” I am saying to understand your desires so you can screen for them the same way you screen for all the other things you want in a relationship. Attraction is a critical element in a long-term relationship and it has to be managed, so you better know what you really want before you lock down some guy who makes all your girlfriends jealous of you but doesn’t really rev your engine.
4. Deti didn’t explicitly mention this, but all this talk you might read that women mature faster than men is total bullshit. It’s gyno-normative shaming designed to invalidate men’s concerns and anxieties. It appears to be based on the idea that women generally are eager to “settle down,” which means get married and have children, at a younger age than men. But that’s just women wanting to fulfill both their biological programming to bind a man’s commitment an and cultural pressure (which tells young women that being married is the ultimate social status). There’s nothing mature or immature about our biological leanings; chomping at the bit to have kids is good from an evolutionary perspective but not necessarily a societal or lifestyle one.
5. LJBF: I’ve been fortunate enough to only receive an LJBF two or three times (one of which was from a woman I’m almost certain was a lesbian.) In retrospect a lot of that is due to the fact I would back off on pursuing a woman I was interested in to avoid another possible smackdown. Now that I’ve learned to read women a lot better, I doubt I’ll be getting many more since I’ll know before I advance whether my advances will be welcome.
If you get an LJBF, the best move is to take her out of your life and pay attention to another woman you are interested in. Continuing to be “friends” with a woman who has sexually rejected you puts you in a very submissive and unvirile position, unless you can display to her that it didn’t have a real effect on you and if she didn’t want a piece of your pie, there’s another woman who does.
There’s a slight possibility you can leverage your “friendship” to meet her female friends and date them, but remember that her rejecting you reduces your preselection and thus her friends may not find you attractive either.
And for God’s sake, don’t listen to anyone who says she wants to “be friends first.” If she’s attracted to you, she’ll want to be more than you friend; if she is attracted but insists on BFF, she’s got some kind of a sexual or relationship hangup going on.
6. “Get out there and make the ladies reject you.” Spot on advice. Approach. A lot. Anyone who strikes your fancy. You have no idea whether she’s interested or not, and you won’t until you approach. If you know the IOIs, you’ll be able to read interest, so you won’t be getting a lot of overt rejections because you won’t be pursuing unless you know she wants you to.
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