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The Needy Man - The Broken Man
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I can write about this state of mind, this state of being because I know it from personal experience. It’s not a state I find myself in much, though I have flourishes of it from time to time, every man does. I am not writing this in any way as a derision, it is a difficult state that all men have been in at one time or another. I am writing this in the hopes to help my fellow men recognize it when they are in this state and to hopefully help them get out of it. I’ll follow this post up with: The content man, the complete man.
What are the qualities of the needy man? The look on his face says it all, the way his head constantly darts around, always looking for something. Something that’s lacking, something that’s missing. He’s lost, tossed and turned by life, adrift at sea. With every attractive woman that walks by, he is instantly mesmerized and all of his attention and energy are on her. He finds himself fantasizing about these women, what it would be like to be having sex with them, imagining their bodies naked and touching his own. His longing is palpable. At times it is coming out of his pores, in his tone of voice, his walk. He’s broken.
And unfortunately, women pick up on this. It’s one of those things that most women have a sixth sense about, picking up on it long before other men will notice that the man is a needy mess. It can be a major turn off. But think of it, it’s not just women that are turned off by this. Do you want to hang out with a guy friend that is very needy and drains your energy with his constant craving for validation? Probably not, so it’s easy to understand why a woman might not want to get with a man who is coming from this place.
It’s impossible to say why a man might end up in this state, there are so many reasons, so many situations that can lead to this condition. I won’t try to summarize that in any way. I do think there are some things a man might do to try and remedy his situation though and I’ll share a few things that have been passed on to me and that I’ve learned over time.
First of all, take an emotional inventory of where you are and what’s really driving you. Are you going out because you are looking forward to having fun with your friends or are you feeling driven out by some unconscious drive to find something? Do you feel anxious and in need of something to fill the void? What would it be like to simply sit and do nothing, to confront what’s going on inside of you? Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with being alone and doing your own thing. Perhaps you can sit quietly with yourself, read or meditate, go for a run, do something just for you that doesn’t at all involve trying to get anything, especially not from women.
Secondly, if you are out and about you may want to monitor how much you’re darting about looking for women, or how much you’re looking at women. If you find yourself looking at women a lot, look away and try and get yourself under some control. There are so many other things you can focus on and you’d be surprised the difference you may feel when you don’t feel compelled to always get a good look at every hot girl’s ass that passes by. Okay okay, sneak a peak from time to time but, they’re just girls. They don’t have anything to offer you that will truly fill that void. Yes, their bodies are marvelous to play with. They can be fun, they can have sweet and playful personalities, they can make for a wonderful time. But complete you as a man, they cannot. If you believe that they can, even unconsciously, you will be at their mercy, truly sunk and out of control.
Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, find things to do that interest you and that fulfill your curiosity and thirst for life. I know it’s self-evident, but when you are doing things that you love and for which you feel enthusiasm, you will begin a positive feedback loop that will make your life better and bring you more happiness. You’ll also likely meet people with similar interests and this can widen your social circles and lead to new connections. It can be difficult to put yourself out there socially, but it can be of great benefit. Spending time with friends and new acquaintances can change your life and it can also be tremendous fun. Give people a chance and they may surprise you. And yes, as a by product sometimes you’ll meet attractive and eligible women this way.
Walking around as a needy and broken man is a lot like walking around with an empty bucket in hand. You may not realize it but you may be taking your bucket up to people with an expectant look, one that says something like, “Please, can you help me out?” A surprising truth is that one always has everything one needs at hand to fill the bucket, yet filling the bucket is sometimes easier said than done. We make it difficult. In an ironic way, one must let go of the bucket, or let go of the deep need and grasping in order to fill that void, then the bucket becomes filled. Yet you can’t really let go with the purpose of filling the bucket either. This is one of those paradoxes about life that just is. It’s akin to the idea of opening your hand to catch a fish, rather than grasping after it.